This Week's Quote

"When you look back on a lifetime and think of what has been given to the world by your presence, your fugitive presence, inevitably you think of your art, whatever it may be, as the gift you have made to the world in acknowledgement of the gift you have been given, which is the life itself...That work is not an expression of the desire for praise or recognition, or prizes, but the deepest manifestation of your gratiturde for the gift of life." - Stanley Kunitz

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?

I arrived back in Canberra last night. Somehow it feels different to the other times I’ve come home and yet in some ways similar. When I came home from Africa I was grateful to feel safe and to be living in a place where things were reliable like buses and trains. But I couldn't keep doing what I was doing so I moved to Canberra. When I came home from Nepal I was grateful to be clean again and for hot showers but I couldn’t go back to IT contracting and ended up doing corporate coaching which I loved.

This time it’s different. This time, for some reason not apparent to me yet, I’m not really grateful for anything. I didn’t want to come back, not yet anyway. Now, I want to stay "expanded" and not shrink back to the way I was before I left. Does that make sense? In that expanded state I feel powerful, confident, gorgeous and sexy! I feel more like a woman than a girl; self assured and strong. What is it about the trip that made me feel that way and how can I keep that feeling alive? Is it simply a matter of being true to myself? Is it being bold and courageous, taking risks and saying “Yes” to life? And if it is, how can I do that here, back in ‘normal land’ where I have debts to pay and a job to find?

I have 2 job interviews next week. Both are well paid and involve travel. Both are in Sydney. Both of them I am well qualified for. But if I am being true to myself will I take either of them? And if I don’t what else would I do? My commitment is to be true to myself, to let who I am, really, at my core, guide my choices but you know, I’m still not sure how that looks exactly.

I’ve just had a huge taste of it recently and I like it but I don’t yet know how to be that way every day. I don’t know how to choose a partner from that space. I don’t know how to choose a job or career or a place to live even. Or maybe I do and I’m just too chicken shit to follow through. For example I know I’m an adventurous free spirit who loves being a global citizen and that trying to build businesses in out of the way places like Canberra, Australia, which take time and money, which keep me tied to one location and which involve a lot of responsibility doesn’t really work for me. But I keep doing it. Perhaps, if I recognised and fully owned who I am, then I'd study journalism and psychology, find some writing contracts and sail around the world writing about people, photographing, diving, meeting the natives. Maybe someone or some organisation will fund me or maybe I'll fall in love with some gorgeous man who will provide me with financial support.

Am I dreaming or what? What would you do if you weren't afraid? What would you do if anything was possible?

So... some things to ponder...Isn’t journaling great?

Comment if you feel like it.
Love
B

The Adventure Continues...

...but not how I thought it would. Moxie, the 46' trimaran is still at it's mooring in Ko Olina marina, Jules and Louis have gone to Texas, Ian (our 4th team member and dive instructor) has accepted an invitation to join Jerry back on his boat and I've headed back home. Bummer :(

I decided not to accept Louis' invitation to join him and his family in Texas for Christmas. I decided not to accept Jerry's invitation to come back on board to keep the other female company (sharing the V birth, the only room left besides Jerry's bed, with another woman is not my idea of fun).

I decided to come home.

I am at Anita's and Paul's in Sydney, about to head to Canberra to face the things I need to face, incompletions and unfinished business, things that tie me down and don't add much to my life, like debt.

It is no accident, what has happened to me. I realise now that I was resisting things, running away from something. Coming back reflects a readiness and willingness on my part to stop running. Not sure what that looks like or how I'm going to do it. I'm terrified of monotony and boredom and sameness. I love being different and I've vehemently resisted anyone or anything taking away my freedom. But there seem to be limitations on this now. Now it just feels like resisting responsibility and avoiding intimacy. I'm feeling my age. I'm tired of flitting from one thing to the next but the alternative seems so onerous that I can't stand the thought of it. Yet, nothing in the database of my mind knows how to deal with this anymore, or grow beyond it. I feel like I've tried everything to settle down and be responsible and do the right thing, find a man, get married, save and invest for my retirement, work in the public service...

Now that I have no home, no job, no boyfriend and no cat, I'm looking into the future and I've never been so unsure of what's next. One of the biggest things I've learned in the last few weeks is that my criteria for decision making is a shaky foundation of wants and needs and don't wants and feelings and emotions. Nothing solid to guide my choices. Perhaps it's a spiritual quest I'm on and I'm looking for guidance from something substantial. It isn't my feelings because they change every week. It isn't my wants because I want everything, sometimes all at once. I've never felt so existentially confused. Yet at the same time I am excited. The future is a blank canvas and I can create whatever I want.

I loved my time in Hawaii. I love the Americans and the permission they give you to be yourself. So much more than we Aussies do. I met some wonderful people living lives of diversity and adventure. I met some wonderful men and my time with them was beautiful. I felt alive and free and naturally confident on my travels, despite the trials and tribulations.

I discovered the adventure of the sea, though I didn't get to experience much of it. It's a whole new universe that totally excites me. It's the invitation to learn to dive and discover (and photograph) the underwater universe; the opportunity to commune with native communities to be part of something ancient for just a little while; it's living in close quarters with other human beings where you can't run away and where you have to face yourself and who you are; it's bobbing up and down in an enormous ocean realising how small and insignificant you and your life are and letting this perspective inform your life, rather than the one of relentless pursuit and unconscious driven-ness that most of us experience.

Something great has got to be born from all this experience. It can't be for nothing. Where's the clarity, where's the point? The next few weeks may be as interesting as the last few. We shall see. Stay tuned.

Adventures in Coffee

One of the things I love about travelling is discovering the different way people do things. Like coffee for example. You get used to the way things are done at home and you think that it's like that every where you go but not true. Even for me who drinks her coffee black. They don't have "long black". So at first I ordered expresso but I'd get a tablespoon of coffee in a styrofoam cup. Then I ordered a double shot and they'd yell out doppio or something like that and I'd be standing there looking off into the distance with no idea that that was what I'd ordered. Eventually I just asked for a black coffee and it didn't bother me whether it came out of a cappacino machine or the drip coffee machine. It pretty much tasted the same.
Jules who has milk in her coffee had even bigger adventures. She wanted a cappacino with soy milk but the soy they use everywhere is super sweet, vanilla flavoured soy and it's like drinking syrup. So she'd ask for a latte with normal milk but it was so weak it was awful. Then she asked for a cappacino without foam but they didn't "get" it so it came with half a cup of foam and still too weak. Eventually she asked for a double shot cappacino with no foam and she got something close to what she wanted. Hilarious.

Dessert to Die For

After a long day Jules, Louis and I discovered the Harbour Pub and the Chart House Restaurant and we decided to have Happy Hour there. Just about everyone in Hawaii, it seems, knows about the Harbour Pub. After we'd had our $4.50 nachos I was scanning the menu and discovered Chocolate Lava Cake. Well!! I had discovered Chocolate Lava Cake when I was in Bhutan. The women from Hong Kong and Singapore in our group already knew about it and they said I just had to try it. And try it I did. It was sensational! I've never seen it since till I discovered it on that menu and of course, we just had to have it. One serve was enough for all 3 of us. To my delight it was even better than I had remembered it - warm, chocolate cake on the outside and rich, runny chocolate pudding on the inside. So good it deserves its own entry in the Blog!

Billy Graham to the Rescue!

I was having a miserable day a few days ago so I took myself to Waimea Bay beach to walk it off. I shed a few tears, went for a swim and allowed myself to indulge in feeling thoroughly sorry for myself for a little while. I watched people play in the water. One guy was loving it so much you couldn't get him out. Eventually, in a lovely scene of role reversal, I heard his little son yell out "Dad, it's time to go home!" It was funny.

I also watched some strapping, young dudes with shovels build a channel between the lagoon and the beach. After a few hours their group had grown from 4 or 5 to a dozen. I noticed the next day that they'd been successful and that the whole landscape of that part of the beach had changed.

As I was about to leave the beach a lady on a nearby towel started talking to me. Eventually she walked over and we chatted for a while. Just small talk. Then she handed me a little flyer which I noticed had "Billy Graham" all over the front of it. She must have picked up on how I was feeling and decided to make a connection. Though I'm not particularly religious I found the gesture to be really sweet. I felt much better after that.

Angel of God

As you know we’ve been holed up in a cheap and nasty backpackers on the North Shore of Oahu. We’ve done a little shopping, sightseeing and other touristy things and we’re all thoroughly over it already. None of us would classify ourselves as tourists. And it’s so expensive! Only come here, travelers, if you’re a surfy dude, at least at winter-time.

However, that’s not to say that we haven’t had a good time. Riccardo’s BBQs and mid morning internet at the Shark Cove grill have been fun and a great way to get to know people. Jules and I have done a long walk each morning though for some reason we’ve never done any yoga (for Jules) or martial arts (for me), like we said we would.

A highlight of one of the days was meeting Daniel. Daniel we’re not sure how to classify; beach bum, angel from God, itinerant, nature lover, coffee lover. Anyway he dropped in on us one morning as we were having coffee outside our room, overlooking the beach. We invited him to share our coffee but all he wanted was hot water because, like all good coffee connoisseurs, he wanted to make it the way he liked it, which was, instant vanilla flavoured Columbian coffee with creamer or CoffeeMate as you may know it. Disgusting stuff that creamer but the Americans seem to love it.

Anyway, Daniel was full of surprises. He was very talkative and though a little scattered in his thinking he was lucid and actually very wise. He asked lots of questions like how old are you and are you married! He even asked me if I’d marry him, though when I told him I was 26 (I’m not) he told me I was too old for him and that he was looking for someone between 19 and 25! All very tongue in cheek of course. But my first marriage proposal in a while.

We were lucky he came along because we were looking for some guidance as to how our adventure might continue. Jules particularly. Daniel did carry a beautiful Bible around with him and as we were waxing philosophical or perhaps spiritual, he took it upon himself to quote a few passages. For me it was Isiah, 51 I think. Something about believing in myself and performance. Truthfully, like most of the Bible I didn’t really understand any of it. But I did get the essence of it. Daniel’s message to us was to have faith, believe in what’s possible and to continue to take right action. Ahhh, so simple, but not always easy, eh?

Surf's Up - Surfing Competition

Brazilian Encounters

Wow, what a week. Riccardo, the lovely Brazilian who organises the BBQs at the Backpackers, has entertained us with lively feasts involving Brazilian beans, chicken and beef burritos, Hawaiian chicken, vegie and beef burgers and more. We've been meeting the other residents there, finding out about what's on and the weather and so on. These photos are from Burrito Night where Louis brought a bottle of rum and a bottle of coke and we all got very merry! Our table had 2 Texans, 2 Aussies, a Brazilian, a German and an English woman. It's so fabulous to meet and have a conversation with people from all around the world.